Explaining death to children
Teaching her young son about death has been an ongoing task for Vanessa Abron ever since his uncle, who lived with them in Queens, New York, died of cirrhosis in February. Her conversations with five-year-old Jaheim Scott often go this way: "Uncle passed away." "How?" "Uncle was very sick." "Why did he have to go?" Abron says the questions never end. Communication is critical to shepherding a toddler or young grade-schooler through the death of a loved one, experts say. But parents wonder how far to go with the explanation. "Parents need to be open and honest with their kids about death and should tell their child that their loved one isn't coming back," says Christine Hamilton, a children's psychotherapist in Manhattan. "Lying to a child is wrong and very dangerous." Kids know instinctively how much they can absorb, says Brooklyn, New York, funeral-home manager Jim Noble. He says kids often have the greatest attachment to a deceased relative yet are frequently shut out. He lets children see the coffins in his showroom; the curious run their hands along the wood and peek inside. Here are ways to help children understand death and mourn in a healthy way: • Introduce the concept early. Children are exposed to mortality at a very young age, from a dead bird on the sidewalk to wilting flowers in a vase at home. Turn it into an educational experience, advises Hamilton. "It's OK to tell your kids that all living things die and to talk about death with your child before they actually have to deal with the death of a relative, friend or neighbor," she says. • Encourage discussion about the deceased. Ellie Jacobi of Madison, Wisconsin, who taught first grade for seven years, recommends reminiscing with children about what they miss most about the loved one. "It keeps that person fresh in their hearts," she says. Carlotta Norton, director of Smart Kids R Us daycare in Brooklyn, sometimes has her charges write letters to those who have died. • Be prepared for all kinds of emotions. "Why did she leave me?" 7-year-old Abby would ask her mom, Dawn Smalberg of Los Angeles, after her grandmother died of cancer. Smalberg says she explained that Grandma was sick and in pain. "'It wouldn't have been her choice to go,' we told her," Smalberg says. The sense of abandonment lingered, but Abby, now 8, says her mom's explanation helped. • Avoid euphemisms. "Never say somebody is sleeping," says Noble, the funeral-home manager. "It connotes they're going to wake up." It also makes children afraid to go to sleep at night, he says, for fear they will not wake up. Bringing a child to a funeral If a child wants to attend the funeral, parents should talk about what to expect at the service. Noble allows kids to linger around an open casket as long as they are respectful, but he draws the line at disruptive behavior. As for the age at which a child can attend services, Hamilton says that's up to the parent and the child. "An older child can be given a choice about whether or not they want to attend a funeral service," says Hamilton. But "if they decide to go, it is important to let them change their minds, as a child of any age should never be forced to attend a funeral." Even if they willingly attend, Noble advises not pushing them into any ritualized behaviors, such as kissing the deceased. Abron allowed her 5-year-old to attend his uncle's funeral and view the body. But she didn't bring him to the burial, she says, because she felt the sight of his uncle being lowered into the ground would be too much for Jaheim. Religious explanations Many parents turn to their faith to help explain death. Hamilton, though, advises parents to tread carefully: "Children tend to interpret words literally, and religious explanations and imagery that comfort an adult may be frightening for a child." It can also be confusing. "Seeing Mommy crying when heaven is such a great place for Grandpa sends a mixed message to a child," Hamilton says. "Why does Mommy (and why do I) feel so terrible if Grandpa's in such a great place?" She says children should never be made to feel guilty about not feeling happy for Grandpa. Jacobi, in keeping with her Baha'i faith, says she emphasizes that the living may grieve the dead because we miss them. With a child of the same faith, she would also emphasize that their loved ones' souls are thriving. Abron, too, finishes the conversation with Jaheim that way: "Why did he have to go?" "God calls special people. He had to go. He went to heaven." "When am I gonna go to heaven?" "Baby, you have a longer way to go to heaven. Uncle's in a better place now, and he's watching." |
