Married her friend, living with a monster
Joan Gershman, 59, does not mince words when describing how Alzheimer's disease has affected her marriage. "For 34 years, we were partners, lovers, friends -- and all of sudden I am living with a monster," she said of her husband, Sid, 65, who was diagnosed in 2005. But the marital problems of the Port St. Lucie, Florida-based couple began years earlier. "He became irrational; he was throwing temper tantrums; he couldn't be reasoned with," Gershman recalled. "It was like living with a stranger." Alzheimer's disease, a progressive brain disorder characterized by loss of memory and language skills, afflicts 5 million people in the United States, according to the Alzheimer's Association, a nonprofit organization in Chicago, Illinois. But the disease also affects partners of the sufferers. Marriages can deteriorate long before a diagnosis, said Peggy Noel, founder of MemoryCare, a holistic-care organization in Asheville, North Carolina, that helps those with dementia. Marital problems arise partly because changes can be subtle and difficult to detect early on in the disease. startclickprintexclude--> Many of these spouses said it would have been easier for them with an earlier diagnosis. Dr. Ron Adelman, New York Presbyterian Hospital's co-chief of geriatrics medicine and gerontology, said he agrees. "If you expect someone to do what they can't do, it creates a level of stress that could be dealt with if you knew the disease better," Adelman said. Adella Harding, 62, of Gladewater, Texas, said she had such an experience with her husband, Dean, who was diagnosed two years ago at age 60. "Our marriage suffered because I couldn't figure out what was happening to him," Harding said. "I was becoming a shrew, and he was lazy. He couldn't grasp what I was saying." Adelman suggests that families educate themselves about the disease. If they suspect dementia, a geriatrician, neurologist or psychologist can do specialized testing to he just needs not to direct it at me all the time. It's hard." It is not unusual for Alzheimer's patients in a nursing home or day program to enter into a new romantic "relationship." This phenomenon received a burst of publicity last year when it was reported that retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor's husband, John, had become attached to a woman in the Phoenix, Arizona, facility where he lives. John O'Connor, a former lawyer, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 1990. and accept -- any help they can get from family, friends and community organizations. Gerry Dudley, 76, of Hendersonville, North Carolina, said he found embracing his wife's diagnosis key to reducing his stress level. "Acceptance and commitment. Without that, you are constantly battling it," he said. "If there is any adjustment to be made, it is going to be [by] me, because she can't change." Dudley said he is constantly adapting. "It is not a journey," he said. "It's a dance." |
